Oh! I Could Never Do That

I hear this phrase way too often.  I take my strength training seriously.  I have to.  I take a medication where a possible side effect is broken bones from osteoporosis. More and more studies keep coming out proving the need for women to lift weight to prevent and reverse osteoporosis. Why wouldn't I? I am getting the benefit of the medication,  fighting this side effect and it makes me look good?  I am all in.

I get this a lot when people ask me about my weight loss.  "Oh!  I Could never do that" followed by myths.  The most common one being "i just want to tone up,  not look like man".  What the heck?  We gals are not built like that and unless you are in that 1% of women who can get that way, it is never going to happen.  You can be stronger than a man,  but it is not likely your muscles will get bigger. That is a biological fact. You will already know is you are in the 1%.

Anyway,  that answer is always met with,  oh I am just not like you.  In these conversations,  it is implied that i am some kind of workout Ninja warrior badass. I am totally not.  I didn't go to the gym on crutches because of that.  I went to get out of the house and be around people.  People I am not related to! There was a whole lot of loneliness driving my decision to hit the while still on crutches. i get up every morning not entirely sure I am even going to do my workout.  I am not some exercise super hero who's super power is dedication! 

What is really at work here? Fear and unrealistic perceptions! Fear of failure and being misperceived. We are all familiar with the "what i really do" memes.  It is a not clear understanding of what an effective strength trading program should look like!  The perception of what everyone thinks it is can be hella intimidating!

Any good program, all you are doing is lifting weight that is heavy enough to make it challenging while maintaining perfect form.  5 lbs can be quite effective if that is where you are at!  The trick is to not get hung up on what others are doing.  I started Body Beast using NO weights on some exercises,  and for the lunges,  no weights AND holding a chair for balance!  I focused on the form and just doing the exercise correctly. I let my body do the work,  and progress has been made.  I have added light weights to those shoulder workouts.  I added weights to the squats, and I can keep my balance doing lunges!  Any one can do it!  You just have to want to.  Getting over not wanting to is a post for another day!

My point today is don't let pre-conceptions intimidate you! Check it out first! Success is only that first step away! That applies to anything,  not just fitness,  but LIFE!

July 5, 2015

Today begins week six of Body Beast! I can't believe I have stuck with this for an entire six weeks! I honestly don't view myself as someone who is this consistent! Yet, looking back, overall I have been very consistent with my workouts for the past three years now. Sure I've had an off day or even an off week - but I always come back to it.

Some part of my mind is in a complete panic. I keep having to soothe that Inner Negative Nelly. That voice that says ZOMG!! WE'RE ALMOST 200 LBS AGAIN!! The voice of reason reminds that part of me that duh, I gained 20 lbs BEFORE I started Body Beast. I've only gained 8 lbs since I started - most of which is muscle weight. How do I know that?   Because I can SEE it! I can see it in my shoulders, I can see the atrophied muscle in my right knee growing so it matches my left again! While those biceps are no cannons - they are some guns to be reckoned with! I can feel it in my back because I have to find heavier weights for bulk back day! Friday was bulk back and I felt like I muffed the whole workout because I needed heavier weights.  There is another part of me that always takes over that inner conversation and it can get downright gleeful over my body! Sure I still got that fat belly roll but look what else is going on! We'll get to that fat belly roll in due time! 

Doing that 10 day Challenge should hopefully make it easier for me going forward  as my focus was working on my tendency to not eat as much as I should. My food choices were rarely the problem, it has mostly been my choice to not choose food at all that is the problem. Soon as my husband collects on his next invoice, I'm buying me some Shakeology - I need at last one meal replacement a day and I just don't trust anything out of GNC and the rest of the diet aisle is just as untrustworthy. I still need to work on making time for meal prep - and hopefully today I will get to some of that! I bought all this fresh fruit Friday, and now I need to make it ready to go! Same goes for the veggies! I've got a few other ideas in my head about what I'd like to do as far as my promise to myself to start using my cool kitchen gadgets, and I have many. 

All in all, I'm feeling like I'm on track and feeling very hopeful at the beginning of week six!! I see myself hitting my macros more often than not this week!! 

February 10, 2015

Woohooo!! I'm cleared to go back to work!! The doc said I'm good to go, my only restriction is constant deep knee bending and a weight limit on lifting. She gave me a script for a gel to help with the inflammation and I've already filled the script and rubbed in the gel - Holy cow! The stuff works so fast!! Now I'm really good to go!!

Busy day today, like every Tuesday! Going to Girl Scouts early so me and the other leader can get the bows ready for the basket. The police will be stopping by our meeting to accept their gift basket. Woohooo!! My parents should all pay off their "cookie bills" and tomorrow I will be making our final deposit to council and the rest of the money we make off cookies will all go into the troop account! Yay!! 

All in all, I've learned a few things to make cookies easier going forward. Some people like to input girls' sales into the system at the end, I find it easier to do it as I go! I think next year, that's how I'll do it! I'm still not sure how me going back to work will affect the Girl Scout thing and I'll be talking to R about that tonight. Now that it's official, I'm going back to work. I also need to call MA DOR - find out what I need to send them and exactly to whom am I sending it. I also need to know what the process will be if and when I get laid off for the summer. 

I guess I'm still in a place of transition but I'm further in my transition than I was! More progress towards my goals! 

February 2, 2015

What a day! My team won the Superbowl last night in a thrilling game and so I definitely woke up this morning in a great mood! 

I thought I had an appointment at my daughter's school today but it turns out it was Wednesday. Not that I'm being down on myself for getting the date wrong, but it's a sign for me. That I need to pay more attention to the details. This is a consistent pattern in my life, when I get going, I lose track of details and that lack of attention to details can spiral out of control. This is my clue to not take on too much more than I am now. Just a sign that I need to refocus myself. 

I'm defaulting back to my key strategies when I feel chaotic. Cleaning house and working on my time management. I'm doing laundry today and my goal for the day is to scrub down my bathroom. One of the worst things about being injured and recovering from having my thyroid removed was not being able to keep my house in a certain way. It's time to get back to that. I want to go back to work full-time, so that means I need to keep my house clean the way I like it done. I am literally and figuratively putting my house in order. I find a lot of comfort in it. 

I seem to say that a lot though, I'm getting myself organized. I sometimes wonder if that an excuse for avoiding something I'm in denial about - or just trying to keep myself moving forward at full bore. Time will tell which one it is. 

January 22, 2015

I was less than energetic today and I thought it was a mental thing. I went to the gym and I had signed up for the new trainer's ab class (it is tough for me and I love it) and I had this mental image to push through what I thought was a mental block. 

Turned out to be it was not mental, but physical. I am sick as a dog. First I got hit with dizziness and then my stomach said "Go ahead bitch, do another sit up, I dare you."

I decided to not push it and end the workout and go home. I had a tough five minute drive home, I felt like I'd slammed into a brick wall. I sent out some emails and made some phones calls, took some cold meds and put myself to bed. I ate what I should have today, and so what if it wasn't exactly on time. It was good enough under the circumstances.

I missed a phone call from Na-na and I'm bummed about that but proud of myself for not pushing through and instead stopping to take care of myself when I needed to. 

I'm also wondering if I'm ever going to be able to watch "The Biggest Loser" without sobbing. Not likely. Yah, I'm going to watch the finale next week and I'll sob my way through that. We'll see if I can stand to see next season. 

One last thing, my motivation to work out today was driving towards something instead of running away. I can do it. Today wasn't the day to do that - but I know I can do that. I do have a mental image of something and it's enough to drive me. I was worried it wouldn't be enough but it is. I'm sick and I'm relieved. 

January 15, 2015

Today is actually a special day for me today. Eight years ago today, I met my husband for the first time. We knew each other from online chat rooms and when my friend and I decided to take a road trip in Florida to relax and unplug after a long hard run on a work project - he offered to  show us around and let us camp at his place.

I got lost on our way to meet him. Like lost in Big Cypress Swamp, driving up and down US RT 41 and trying to get cell service in the swamps. He did find me eventually! We had even better in person chemistry than we did online. Ever meet someone and you just clicked with them?? Not just physically - but it was like they instantly "get you". Yah, it was like that.  Wasn't just a physical connection but a mental connection too.

I just realized this when I went to write this post. It was exactly what I needed to remember today. I'm having a bad bad day full of stress. After my surgery, I said, "When you hang onto your blessings, no hell can touch you". Yah, realizing today is our 8th anniversary of just meeting - it made my stress level drop.

The drama within our troop has reached a breaking point.. Me losing my insurance and being stuck paying for insurance that costs more per year than our annual income is a problem I can find a solution to. I don't have to take that one on by myself. I have a true partner and we, as a family have a support network we can rely on. I need to focus on working in the nursery today and Tommy and I will find time in the next few days to try and hammer out a solution. Or at least what we're going to do in the short term until we come up with a long term solution. 

Stay in the now and embrace those blessings!! 

January 13, 2015

Today is my Lucky Day! It's my father's birthday! Yay! I still have my Pops around to celebrate it!! I'm super lucky for that!! My father is a Cancer survivor so I'm extra grateful for that!!

Today is going to be a quick drive-by type post. I'm still stewing on my "Master Plan" but some things are starting to come together in my head.

Tonight I have a Girl Scout meeting and we're handing out cookies. The situation with my co-leader continues to worsen as any and all attempts to talk with her about the situation is met with silence. Someone from council will be meeting with me and my co-leader R and we're going to talk to her about the overall problem and what council intends to do about it and what resolution we're looking to get. Also we've decided what will happen if we don't get that resolution. We'll see what happens, I informed the missing co-leader that we were meeting at 4 and asked her to come - she was told that the meeting is NOT about attacking her. It's not, I'm over it and just want to get down to the business of scouting and freaking cookies!! 

On that note, it's time to start loading cases of cookies in my car so I can make this meeting on time! Woohoo!! We're officially underway as of today!

January 11, 2015

Another day moving towards I don't know what. I'm still feeling lost. The fact that I don't have any career going or contributing to the household finances is starting to bother me. While I am in fact, under a court order to get a job as soon as I'm medically cleared to do so and there's a process for me to follow to get out of that if my ortho doesn't medically clear me; the pressure I feel is completely internal. It's my own innate needs that drive me. Getting a job is easy - I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself as far as an actual career kind of thing goes. Thinking of my overall financial future, 65 is only 20 years away. Seems like a lot, doesn't it? It used to be 40 years away! I need to make some hard choices and I don't intend to make those choices alone. I'll be sitting down with my husband and we're going to be starting a discussion about this. 

I have cookie and Girl Scout drsma. I will admit, I'm a bit resentful about the whole thing. I could let it go and am willing to let it go - but ONLY if it's dealt with. We will ultimately have to have a meeting between all five of us. 

Yah, now that I've got that out of my system, I need to get to bed. I feel better about that coming to some kind of resolution. Whether that resolution is what I want it to be or not, we will just have to see. 

January 10, 2015

That wasn't so bad. I had cookie pick-up first thing this morning. This is my first year being "cookie mom" and being in charge of cookies. I keep hearing all these horror stories about how awful it is, not just from people all over but people around here. Not a hitch. My husband was my driver, and we pulled in, checked in and pulled up, loaded up and checked out. Our time slot was 8:07 and we were done by 8:00 am and driving away with our truck load of cookies. 

Yah, T had to run off to work as soon as he parked the truck and the little one slept over at Grandma's last night so we could go hang out with friends and do cookies first thing this morning.  I unloaded all those cookies by myself and got them upstairs in the house. Surprise workout!  I'm definitely ready to get back to work - maybe need some kind of prescription anti-inflammatory stronger than ibuprofen - but I'm ready. My knee held up just fine - and after a hard week of working it at the gym.

I've pretty much spent most of my day today doing cookies and Girl Scout stuff. I have to have a day to focus on the GS stuff and that's going to be a key to moving forward with my plans to be a Leader AND a working mom. 

Speaking of plans....Yesterday I took advantage of a coaching call with Christie. It was a great call but one of the things we talked about is Daily Affirmations. She gave me an excellent example and the theme of our discussion was now that I'm done running from the painful health issues and am trying to run toward the positives in life....What exactly am I running towards? I think the lack of direction in my life right now is why I'm not nearly as driven as I was in the beginning of my weight loss journey. The health issues didn't entirely disappear but they are looming just enough to keep me from backsliding - but not close enough to propel me forward. 

Yes, I want to keep doing Girl Scouts, especially after today and last night. I volunteered to help out at the Cookie PJ Party and what little there was for me to do - I genuinely enjoyed it! Sure I'd like to complete the Boston Marathon some day. Be at my goal weight. Stay at my goal weight. I need to have some actual career and make money for myself and my family...doing what? I don't know. Do I go all in with this nursery gig or take a more traditional stab at the nail thing again?  A bunch of goals but they seem to disparate from each other. There is a lack of overall direction - a master plan. That is what I need to sit and think on this week. What's my master plan here?? j

Unlike when I was 18, and I feared getting locked into any situation and desperately wanted to keep my options open, I'm not afraid of that anymore. I'm somewhat late to the commitment party - but I'm here now! I told my husband we need to set aside some time to have a deep discussion about my master plan and what it should look like. Not just for me, but for us BOTH, as a couple and individuals. That discussion needs to not happen on our way to a party. We'll set aside a date night and bring a pen and paper. 

Now that is out of the way, it's time for some FOOTBALL!! GO PATRIOTS!! 

January 9, 2015

Yay! Thank God it's FRIDAY! Ok, I say that every day. Thank God it's [Insert Day of the Week]! LOL It's been a crazy busy week!! Not bad, in the least!! I managed to get it together enough to conduct a reasonably organized meeting with my girl scout troop, had a few last minute solutions and technology challenges but it was a GREAT week!! 

Yesterday turned out to be way more crazy than I thought it should be!! I goofed off all morning and then since it was so darned cold, put on pants and a t-shirt and a zip up hoodie and put my workout clothes in a bag...along with my shopping list and went to pick up my little one. I hit the gym and met the new trainer. I really like her a lot!! We did abs first and then I did 10 minutes of cardio and then we did legs and then I did another 40 minutes of cardio on the treadmill. Since today was leg day, I just walked but I put the incline on 10 and just walked as fast as I could stand it on that incline. The idea being to work that ACL without the major impact of running. So the theory goes from my physical therapist. 

After that, I hit up a few grocery stores and then ran to go pick up the little one. I made one more quick stop at a grocery story to buy the family some dinner and then I went off to my Girl Scout leader meeting. Weeee!! More cookies booths! LOL My previously full booth schedule is now looking kinda empty. Part of that is because one of the location. is now allowing TWO tables at each entrance, so I have room for more girls. We have a possible second location doing the same thing - so we will see what we will see. I still have lots of girls who have not yet signed up. I'm super stoked about all of this as it's looking like my girls will EXCEED their goal. 

Today is looking no less busy. I wrote this last night and I'm currently working out at the gym! Today I'm vowing to make this a "Last Chance" workout! Upper and Lower Body strength training and then an hour of cardio/conditioning. I have my coaching call with Christie and then a little time to finish up my laundry before I run off to my Cookie PJ Party. I volunteered to help set up and will stick around if I'm needed to help with the girls. After that, the hubby and I are headed off to hang with some of our friends. Our friend who owns our doggie house guests is one of the people we'll be seeing and I want to give him an update on how the dogs are doing and to make arrangement to get my washing machine from his old house. If all goes well, I'll get that this weekend! Woohoo!! My own washer and dryer again! 

I'm super stoked about my shopping trip today. I have decided that I need to stop with eating so many bars! It's ok to have them sometimes - but I need to eat FOOD, actual food! I can't make every single snack a bar. I've been eating them 2 and 3 times a DAY. It doesn't impact my losses but I need to eat more actual food. After spending a week actually eating food 6 times a day, I decided I need to fit that back in! Make the time for it and do the advance prep to make that goal a realistic possibility! I've talked about these big plans for canning and freezing stuff - well I am ON THAT! Starting NOW! 

January 7, 2015

I did my weigh in yesterday. The damage is only 6 lbs. I have to be honest and say my reaction to that was "That's it??" I said I wasn't going to worry about a gain and I was surprised to discover that I wasn't the least bit worried. I have, after all, lost 80 lbs so far. Seriously, what's six pounds compared to that? Not a heck of a lot - let me tell ya!! A few weeks and I'll be right back down to 180. One of the first times in my life, I truly have complete confidence that I can lose it. It's not an unrealistic expectation, I know exactly what I need to do. I planned to indulge and indulge I did and now it's back to daily life and back on the weight loss train. 

I thought about not weighing in. 
"Wait til next week," that lying little voice said. 
"It's not Monday, it won't be a true weigh-in"

HA!! Yah right. It's a true weigh in. I logged it on the NS site so now it really counts. Even though I have all that stuff hidden..."Nutrisystem" knows. Something about logging it on NS' site makes it REAL for me. I'm admitting it here and coming clean and I'll be doing that in the Facebook group soon too! Shout it from the rooftops as much as I dare! Some part of me is also a little happy. I did something normal and mundane - I gained weight from eating too much of the wrong things. Not some weirdo, thyroid, under-eating with a screwed up metabolism thing - just plain old overeating bad stuff. For so long something has been wrong with me...now nothing is wrong with me. If I overeat or eat the wrong things, I gain weight just like every one else. I'm not special or different and it's the best feeling in the world. 

I see a shift in the way I look at my weight now. When I started, it was about getting healthy. Getting all that metabolism and blood sugar stuff under control. Yah, now it's under control. I'm in no danger of going back to that with a slip up here and a slip up there. There's no health threats looming large over my head. Now my focus is being like everyone else. Watching what I eat because I SHOULD! Do what I'm supposed to do because I'm supposed to do it! Wanting to do it for no reason other than I'm supposed to. That's actually motivation enough now. When did I become that person who has willpower to do things like that?? Me? Wuuuut?! 

It kind of smacks me between the eyes sometimes. I'm that person. I can say,

"No, thanks. I think I'm going to have [insert a healthy option here] instead."

I'm not just accepting that I can't have certain foods, I just don't want that stuff anymore. Sure I still like quick and easy - but my standard for what I'll eat quick and easy sure has changed. I'm all about the crock pot cooking now. Cooking up a bunch of healthy food and having it in the fridge to just heat up when I need a fast option. Making my own frozen meals!! I keep seeing those plastic tv trays with lids and thinking I should buy some and start making my own frozen meals. Canning my own foods also. I make a great chili. It's ridiculously a lot like NS' chili except spicier and has no carrot cubes hidden in it. How awesome would it be to open up a jar of my own home-made chili......made with veggies from my own garden.

Grandiose thoughts for sure. Well, grandiose in the way I'm thinking the thoughts - but they can become reality. It will just not happen overnight - but it's a way of doing things I can work towards. I can work out growing a veggie garden. I can save up my cash to get the supplies to do canning. I have some of what I need and the rest can be acquired. I'll have to set aside time on the weekends to do cooking and then my canning and freezing. I can see the path. In the meantime I can make use of my crock pot and fridge to have healthy meal options always available even if they are "leftovers". Because that's really what this is....grandiose leftovers. LOL 

This year will be different and better than last year. I will be working, and hopefully full-time work. I have one more goal to add to my list and I'll end today's post with that goal. 

Short Term Goal: Save up and purchase Rosetta Stone's Spanish program and learn Spanish!
Long Term Goal: Speak fluent Spanish! My hopefully-on-day-sister-in-law speaks Spanish and she's offered to help me be more fluent! If nothing else, learning the language will help us be closer! she's a sweet gal and I'd love to know her better! I will admit, it has it's professional uses - and will help me with getting work and advancing.  

January 5, 2015

Yay! I'm home again, home again!! Now I need another vacation because I'm so tired from this one! 

I'm pleased to say there were plenty of GREAT and healthy options to eat and I'm even more pleased to report that I even had quite a bit of those healthy food options!! I got in all my veggie servings every day! Yah, I also ate all my dessert and last night I ate an entire piece of cheesecake that was the size of like three regular slices. It's literally more than I've eaten in the past year! Or probably will eat THIS year! LOL I told myself going into the cruise that the goal was to eat and eat often! If I over-indulged that was fine but better that than slipping back into my bad habit of not eating all day! There was lots of binge drinking and my visit to the Mayan ruins actually on Cozumel island seems to have brought on my menstrual cycle.

You know what?! I don't care. Yes, I stood on the scale when I got home this afternoon. I was HAPPY. No, I didn't lose weight. Yes, I gained a few pounds. Why am I happy? Because I maintained my every day eating habits! Getting back into my daily weight loss groove has been effortless today. It's like I never left the house! Oh look! There's an entire box of NS food sitting right there....my snack bars are in my purse and the extras are packed in my suitcase right next to Pops shot glasses. 

I got the chance yesterday to walk a 5k for cancer. Both my parents had it, it claimed my mother's life and my youngest sister had it. Twice. I escaped a thyroid cancer scare myself so I had a ton of reasons to do that walk!! At the end I had to choose between finishing the entire walk or dodge out and go learn do the do the Samba for the "Dancing with the Stars" Dance activity. Yah, I stuck it out and finished the walk. I thought that would be a tougher choice than it turned out to be. That new habit of finishing the things I start reared it's pretty head! In the end, I couldn't bring myself to quit. Besides, it was just nine times around the ship and I was more than halfway through! 

I also got up in front of a room full of people with my husband and we sang Karaoke! "Margaritaville". It was a ton of fun! I was not feeling like I looked all that great - but I didn't let that stop me either. Karoke is a fun activity and honestly, one of those ones where the more you suck at it - the more fun it is for you and your audience!! 

All in all, a great trip and I'm so grateful we were able to go!! I'm sorry that I came home to comments on a long abandoned livejournal journal - most of the entries commented on were NINE YEARS old. That's right, I said it - nine years. One was back in 2005. Not as old but still old enough that it has no bearing on my life now. I was in an unhappy and miserable place. I didn't delete those things because I wanted to leave them there as a reminder to myself about how sad and pathetic my life was. While the whole thing has now disappeared from the site-  the posts were not deleted. I just recovered the password (the email notifications of the nasty "setting the record straight" comments told me that my email account associated with the journal is the one I currently use and not one of my old abandoned ones) and since it's been so long  since I last used it - took me a few minutes to figure out how to change ALL the posts to private - but I figured it out. Now everything is private - since I wanted to keep it as a reminder of where I should never let my headspace go. Maybe I'll start writing in it again - as a private place for me to write out my thoughts and just document my life for hindsight insights. However, all of the comments require "moderation" by me and they are still there as proof of the current ongoing situation and something concrete to take to the authorities so I can put an end to this sadness.

I truly feel bad. Father Jim has been encouraging me to take a compassionate viewpoint. Yes, of course, I should protect myself legally. At the same times in my private thoughts, remind myself that they pick apart me and my life because they are so unhappy with their own. Haters are going to hate. Proverbs 9:8 Don't rebuke a mocker or he will hate you. Rebuke a wise person, and he will love you. Wise words, indeed. No matter what I say, it will only make it worse - so best to not say anything. Those people have had access to those entries for the entire intervening time and had no issue with it's correctness until now? Coincidence that the sudden urge to call me out comes immediately following me going "private" on the internet? I think not. If they can't figure it out on their own, I'll leave it to the proper authorities to explain it to them. That's not my role. I'll say some rosaries for them and ask Father Jim to pray for them too. In the meantime, I have a ton of pictures on my husband's phone and mine to download from google pictures so I can make a jumpdrive full of all our pix for my mother-in-law!! Let her pick out which ones she wants to print! 

I finally remembered what it was I was supposed to do before I left. Do my car registration. Last year I didn't remember for MONTHS and ended up getting a citation for it. I ran down to the Car tag place, hopped in line and caught up on email and texts while I waited in the long line. It was nice to be unplugged for awhile but it's good to be back!! I missed all you guys!!