Why should I?

Why should I join some online challenge accountabilty group? How does that help me in the real world? I don't even know those people!

All good questions. I discovered last  December,  I NEED that accountabilty. My family loves me no matter what.  My husband is an adoring man. I don't do my workout because I let myself get distracted,  he loves and adores  me anyway. Saying it in front of total strangers and putting it on the Internet where it will live forever.  Now,  I felt obligated to follow through.

Even in private,  secret groups where only a limited number of people can see it,  if one person saw it.  That was enough,  you can delete the post,  but you can't make people unsee things. Deleting it doesn't make it go away.

I put myself out there. It makes me uncomfortable. Success always comes from discomfort and I know this. I lost 90  lbs because I put myself out there. The struggles and the victories! I put it out there that i reached my goal and then regained some of that weight back. It was only 15 lbs, but it still sent me in a tailspin!

I have been able to stop that madness because i belonged to accountability groups! It allowed me to get out of my own head and see the issue from an outside perspective. Make my own smart choices about what is best for me going forward!

Getting the feedback helped,  but you know what else I needed? To cheer others on! To remind someone that they matter!  Saying, "Stick to it because you matter!".  Caring about other people means something to me. Giving the moral support can be just as uplifting as getting it.

There are actual studies that show that kindness with no expectation of anything in return makes you happy AND healthy! Physically and mentally healthy! Who knew?

What does that have to do with YOU? I don't know. You can decide that for yourself,  but if you're still reading,  you know it is something. I run these challenge and accountability groups and I love it. I will admit that part of what made me want to be a beachbody coach is those groups! I was already running a group,  participating in a few others. My personal experience tells me what a huge role these groups play in so many success stories. The platform doesn't matter and really,  neither does the weight loss or fitness plan.  People are socially driven! We thrive when we surround ourselves with positive people who aren't going to judge us harshly! We feel connected, like we have discovered our tribe! At least that is always how I felt. Emotionally safe!

How about you?  Do you belong to groups like this? If you have,  how did you feel about it?

Big Girl Panties

I am fond of the phrase "Put on your big girl panties and SPARKLE". I just love the phrase,  love the idea behind it.  That sometimes we have to do things,  and it might not be the way we wanted,  but we can bring our sparkle to it anyway.

I found myself in that place today.  I am shopping for health insurance,  and of course,  my awesome Endocrinologist only takes these plans that I can't afford.

Rather than be upset.  I find myself putting on my big girl panties,  picking the one that is best for me in my price range, get to work in that coaching so I can afford the one I want. It is an attitude.  Knowing I can change the variables in that equation,  namely what I can and can't afford in the future.

I have had this overall mindset change.  I tend to take a longer view to everything.  Very few things in my life are set in stone.  Even those few things are set in stone because I want them to be.  This is what being in control of my life feels like.

I am wearing my big girl panties,  and i am sparkling! I am genuinely pleased to have resolved the insurance issue. No,  I don't have the original specialist I wanted,  but I do still have my primary care Dr who will keep me in good health until I get a new specialist and that is MORE than I started with!  #AttitudeOfGratitude

Almost there

I am almost through a tough week.

We have bern stressed about my father-in-law. He got sick while on the Viking River cruise. It looked real bad at first and Mom got off the cruise to take him to the hospital in Germany. He was in the ICU at first, pnuemonnia they said. He has advanced COPD, so that is serious. He has gotten excellent care! They are expecting to release him tomorrow! Woohoo! This means he will make his originally scheduled flight home Monday!

I can't quite relax until they are home though. My brother-in-law made it over there Friday, that turns the stress levels down, but that isn't rnough. We need to see them with our own eyes before we can finally breath that final sigh of relief. I have already posted here about how grateful I am about his role in this whole thing.

I had a Girl Scout service unit team  conference meeting today.  An all day meeting of the service units and council staff for networking,  covering the program year,  volunteer services and management, sharing of information between the service units and also council.  It was a good event, learned about and got some great ideas and take aways!

Today was also Helen's birthday. I stopped on my way home to pick up stuff for that. We had pizza for dinner,  per her request, then she had sugar free chocolate cake (yay! Publix!) and opened her presents.  She had a good birthday,  even though I missed most of it. She got to hog Daddy and Shara all to herself for the day.  Shara took her to the park for an hour,  they had fun.

I have lots to do this week. Need to make sure Mom walks into a pristine clean house,  make sure my own laundry is done, so she can do hers. I need to connect with a few people this week in person.  Follow up with a few others online and start putting together my training program outline for the next service unit meeting.  I am way behind on nursery stuff to.  Need to repair that one riser and replace a few valves.  We have made some decisions and now the talking phase is over. It is time to DO!

I am slowly but surely getting my time management on track with all the new things i have going on. I am no wonder woman,  but sometimes I come close.  On that note,  my tired babbling is done for the night!

Oh! I Could Never Do That

I hear this phrase way too often.  I take my strength training seriously.  I have to.  I take a medication where a possible side effect is broken bones from osteoporosis. More and more studies keep coming out proving the need for women to lift weight to prevent and reverse osteoporosis. Why wouldn't I? I am getting the benefit of the medication,  fighting this side effect and it makes me look good?  I am all in.

I get this a lot when people ask me about my weight loss.  "Oh!  I Could never do that" followed by myths.  The most common one being "i just want to tone up,  not look like man".  What the heck?  We gals are not built like that and unless you are in that 1% of women who can get that way, it is never going to happen.  You can be stronger than a man,  but it is not likely your muscles will get bigger. That is a biological fact. You will already know is you are in the 1%.

Anyway,  that answer is always met with,  oh I am just not like you.  In these conversations,  it is implied that i am some kind of workout Ninja warrior badass. I am totally not.  I didn't go to the gym on crutches because of that.  I went to get out of the house and be around people.  People I am not related to! There was a whole lot of loneliness driving my decision to hit the while still on crutches. i get up every morning not entirely sure I am even going to do my workout.  I am not some exercise super hero who's super power is dedication! 

What is really at work here? Fear and unrealistic perceptions! Fear of failure and being misperceived. We are all familiar with the "what i really do" memes.  It is a not clear understanding of what an effective strength trading program should look like!  The perception of what everyone thinks it is can be hella intimidating!

Any good program, all you are doing is lifting weight that is heavy enough to make it challenging while maintaining perfect form.  5 lbs can be quite effective if that is where you are at!  The trick is to not get hung up on what others are doing.  I started Body Beast using NO weights on some exercises,  and for the lunges,  no weights AND holding a chair for balance!  I focused on the form and just doing the exercise correctly. I let my body do the work,  and progress has been made.  I have added light weights to those shoulder workouts.  I added weights to the squats, and I can keep my balance doing lunges!  Any one can do it!  You just have to want to.  Getting over not wanting to is a post for another day!

My point today is don't let pre-conceptions intimidate you! Check it out first! Success is only that first step away! That applies to anything,  not just fitness,  but LIFE!

Attitude of Gratitude

Today, I am grateful for my brother-in-law. Dad is sick in the hospital,  he has done what every eldest child does,  steps in to take charge and handle the situation.  I am glad that he is empowered to do that.   His "bossy" manner can be annoying at times but i need to be grateful for that same bossiness because life is full of moments like this. I am also glad that while our relationship is not sunshine and rainbows,  I also don't think it is as contentious as it once was. We clash because we are eldest children and bossy!  It is what we have in common! At the end of the day,  I appreciate him as he truly is!  Underneath all the priggish bravado, he is a nice guy the way my husband is,  just a quality human being who tries to do the right thing in any given situation.

Oops

I had missed a few days of my thyroid meds.  I got everything sorted out and restarted today. Still feel like crap though.
Powered through my workout any way. Had to lower some of the weights.  That was fine. I did all the reps and finished it.

I feel less crappy for having done it. Not feeling great like I usually do but given how bad I felt before, I will happily take less crappy.  Soon as Tom gets paid again,  will be ordering myself some Shakeology. Seriously need at least one meal replacement a day and might add well pick the one designed to give me all the micro - nutrients I need to get the best results! I am in the second half of this workout program and this will carry me through the home stretch!

Two more weeks of bulk and then I start my cut phase. Alot less food, way fewer carbs and relief from the work of stuffing so many carbs in! I also think the shakeology will help there too!

This week will be the last week of Shara summer school and Helens birthday. So a big week all around! Fun times ahead!

I miss it

I miss running and hard core cardio. That maxed out heart pumping all out go get it cardio workout.

One of my secondary deciding factors in deciding to do Body Beast as my workout program was my knee not being strong enough to take impact like running. I knew I would have to modify to avoid real impact, but I was okay with that since this gave me the best chance to pump up some lost muscle mass in that leg. I considered it a fair trade.

I didn't think I would miss that kind of cardio but I do. The modifiers are not enough. I can't work the legs hard so I am just not getting that.  I thought about going ahead and don't cardio as extra since I don't want to do it to burn extra calories but just for the love of doing it

After consulting with my coaches,  it is a no go.  To get the results I want,  I would have to eat even more food, and I am barely eating enough now.  Add on that it can increase the risk of injury,  then it is a hell to the no. I am so over the injury gig,  not risking it!

Instead,  I will do 21 day fix cardio on cardio day and beast abs like I am supposed to and wait until this program is over. I am positive it will take more than one round of Beast to get rid of the belly fat I gained from my under eating but in the end,  it will take me where I want to be with my fitness.

I keep having these moments where I freak out about my weight. In the end,  it keeps coming back to trusting the process.  I can see bigger muscles,  other people can see it and have pointed it out unsolicited. I just remind myself,  I am gaining weight because I am supposed to be gaining weight. Some of the weight I lost after my injury was from a muscle mass loss and not fat loss. I have to remind myself that the belly fat is my consequence for not eating enough! Because when you are lifting weights and then putting in hours doing labor you have to eat alot of food!

This is my struggle right now! Trusting the process,  because I already know this is how you change your body composition to be more muscular. I have done it before when I was younger.  Now I am older and that process is even more refined than it was 20 years ago! I am getting better results in less time!

At least I am getting that lifter high even if I an not getting the runner high! I will take it and the running can wait.

Rest

Sometimes a little rest is all you need to chase the blahs away.

Yesterday,  I was just so blah.  I never found my way to the gym,  never did abs or any beasty workouts.  I focused on resting my knee,  icing it frequently,  even a round on the tens unit while icing it.  Not that I say on my butt doing nothing.  I focused on some paper work that I NEEDED to get done, getting caught up on chores, taking care of ME.

Today is the complete opposite of yesterday! I decided to go ahead and double up on my workouts.  Hit the gym for some good cardio. Utilized my favorite  affirmation, "I am a badass!" to push myself through it, since any cardio workout that is really going to get your heart pumping close to your personal max had to include leg work.

Using positive affirmations to push myself through workouts seem to infect my whole day. Not just get me through the workout, I end up approaching the rest of the day with this gangbusters positive attitude!  A true take-away from my participation in the healthy living challenge! Any time I begin to doubt myself, get self critical,  or just all around being negative,  I just repeat the appropriate mantra!

The lesson of the day is even though I am a badass,  even badasses need a day off! I may try this again next week too. I am going to talk to *MY* coaches to talk that over. Leg day works that weak knee hard, I am the most sore two days later. My knee is handling it like it is back in rehab,  which is a good thing, because that means it is also getting stronger! However it needs the extra rest day to get some TLC from me and reduce the chance of re-injury!

Attitude of gratitude

Today I am grateful for my friend Rashawn! We were once romantically  involved but it was not the right time for either of us. I still cherish that friendship!  I appreciate his sense of humor, geeky and sarcastic and he can always make me laugh. I appreciate his sense of social justice,  that he shares this with the world! He had opened my eyes to injustices I had not noticed with my sometimes place of privelege. Although he knows it not,  he is always been a place of safe emotional harbor for all his friends.  A loving and caring dude to his core! I wish this friendship to lay to the end of our days!

Pushing through

What good can belonging to an online group do? A whole lot. I belong to several I already comitted to doing bulk arms today. As tempting as it is to switch my rest day, it is too much work to back to every one and own that it didn't happen. Sure, no one would know, but *I* would know I skipped it. I am sucking down my pre-workout because I have talked myself into doing my workout. It is to much trouble to say I didn't,  I will never get the results I want if I don't get my workout in!  Gotta take care of muh guns!

In other news, I was bad and had pizza for dinner last night because I was just too tired to cook dinner. So, mental note, cook early! Include the cooking during my scheduled daily housework slot. So what if I have to reheat dinner! I have to cut myself a break because I am not a machine, I am a person who gets tired and it is OK to get tired that late in the day! Just accommodate that! Work with it! 

I need to take a few minutes today to grab some things for our meeting tonight. I want us to do some fun stuff! Service unit meeting this Thursday too. That at least is pretty simple and straightforward.

Hubby took that tire that keeps going flat on me off and put the donut on it. No highway driving for me but I am super okay with that! Think we are going to have to get a new tire anyway! At least I can not worry about coming out of anyplace to a flat tire!

Getting it together

Starting as a Beachbody coach can be kind of overwhelming at first! Luckily,  I don't have to re-invent the wheel! There is so much great info out there on best practices to get going! One of them from my up line coaches was to set up an office or set workspace. Where you can just sit down and work when it is time to work.

I should have done this long ago! Between trying to help with some of the nursery administration, my responsibilities as a Girl Scout leader, this is already long overdue! Now I have taken on more with Girl Scouts and coaching, can't put that off and I need to jump all over that specific "best practice"!

I did just that as soon as I dropped Shara off at summer school this morning. My original thought didn't pan out but I found what I needed to set up a quiet workspace in the trailer. I am gonna do my workout and then run off to the dollar store and goodwill to pick up a few odds and ends to complete my little setup.

My plan to get back to scheduling every minute of my day is in full swing today and moving along fairly well! It may seem extreme,  but even if it doesn't go exactly as planned,  it still makes it easier for me to track everything.

Whelp, I  have finished my pre-workout and it is now time to BEAST UP!

Attitude of Gratitude: July 5th, 2015

Today, I'm thankful for my daughters! All five of them! They inspire me to keep moving forward in my quest to always be better! For Ray, for never giving up - no matter how off the rails things have gotten, she's never given up! For Nadja, for always trying to stay true to herself, even though she is still discovering who that is, she embraces her own self discovery! For Jaedah, for her quiet strength, reminding me that strength is not always sound and fury, but sometimes quiet acceptance and just going forward with it. For Lashara, for being the best of both her parents! For Helen and her never ending energy and zest for EVERYTHING! They are more than just those five sentences, but I could be here all night if I didn't draw the line somewhere.   

July 5, 2015

Today begins week six of Body Beast! I can't believe I have stuck with this for an entire six weeks! I honestly don't view myself as someone who is this consistent! Yet, looking back, overall I have been very consistent with my workouts for the past three years now. Sure I've had an off day or even an off week - but I always come back to it.

Some part of my mind is in a complete panic. I keep having to soothe that Inner Negative Nelly. That voice that says ZOMG!! WE'RE ALMOST 200 LBS AGAIN!! The voice of reason reminds that part of me that duh, I gained 20 lbs BEFORE I started Body Beast. I've only gained 8 lbs since I started - most of which is muscle weight. How do I know that?   Because I can SEE it! I can see it in my shoulders, I can see the atrophied muscle in my right knee growing so it matches my left again! While those biceps are no cannons - they are some guns to be reckoned with! I can feel it in my back because I have to find heavier weights for bulk back day! Friday was bulk back and I felt like I muffed the whole workout because I needed heavier weights.  There is another part of me that always takes over that inner conversation and it can get downright gleeful over my body! Sure I still got that fat belly roll but look what else is going on! We'll get to that fat belly roll in due time! 

Doing that 10 day Challenge should hopefully make it easier for me going forward  as my focus was working on my tendency to not eat as much as I should. My food choices were rarely the problem, it has mostly been my choice to not choose food at all that is the problem. Soon as my husband collects on his next invoice, I'm buying me some Shakeology - I need at last one meal replacement a day and I just don't trust anything out of GNC and the rest of the diet aisle is just as untrustworthy. I still need to work on making time for meal prep - and hopefully today I will get to some of that! I bought all this fresh fruit Friday, and now I need to make it ready to go! Same goes for the veggies! I've got a few other ideas in my head about what I'd like to do as far as my promise to myself to start using my cool kitchen gadgets, and I have many. 

All in all, I'm feeling like I'm on track and feeling very hopeful at the beginning of week six!! I see myself hitting my macros more often than not this week!! 

July 4th, 2015

Wow! I didn't realize how neglected this blog has been. I kind of can't feel sad about that though. Literally the day after my last post, I was making arrangements to head to Boston to pick up my second youngest to move her down here with me. Took a few weeks to get her settled in, had her and my nephew working in the nursery helping me out for a few months.  My weight loss was, well, not a loss! 

I was struggling mightily with under-eating again. Unhappy with my workouts. Once I finally realized that the problem was under-eating and I kind of floundered around a bit. How much is too much? Nutrisystem was a great way for me to lose all that weight, but it was not working for me after I lost it and was able to be more active. It just couldn't keep up! It's not designed for that. 

Ultimately, I ended up ordering Body Beast. It's a Beachbody exercise program, includes a meal plan for people like me who do physical work for a living! The actual workouts are a more intense version of what I was doing, so it satisfied those glaring needs I had! Of course, I didn't figure this out until after I'd gained 20 lbs back! Oh well! 

It's definitely been a struggle! I took part in a 10 day challenge and that's wrapping up now and I've walked away with some insights to exactly why it is that I tend to under-eat. Somewhere I have picked up the notion that I am fat and lazy. That's not entirely true. Being overweight does not mean I'm not entitled to eat! Just realizing where and when I picked up that mindset has been so freeing! I've already discovered that I tend to run away from my feelings by filling my life with too many activities. Trying to be the perfect housekeeper, the perfect GS leader, the perfect this and the perfect that. Of course, that always bites me in the ass because I get totally overwhelmed. 

You'd think that after realizing that last bit that I would not make the decision to take on more stuff but the decision to be a Beachbody Coach was a simple one because I am already doing all those things just because I can. I tell my story and share my struggle and imperfections with other people just as much for myself as it is for everyone else! Running challenge groups and the like is not as time consuming as it seems on the surface! I will admit that the initial stuff is a lot of info -but there are some amazing tools available to me now that make this more efficient and helps me better manage my time! I definitely need all the help I can get with time management! 

So here's to taking a bold step in a new direction! Which reminds me, time to go fix my pre/post-workout because today is Beasty Bulk Shoulders! Seeing the results already and I haven't even gotten to the cut phase!!

Attitude of Gratitude July 3, 2015

Today I am grateful for my friend Candace! For always being the first to remind me of those things that should be obvious to me but are not! For turning me onto Body Beast at a time when I was floundering and grasping at straws! Totally had my back because it really was exactly what I needed! For including me in some amazing beasty fitness groups which has in turn led me down one path to an inevitable result of the life altering transformation I have embarked on. Because is the kind of gal who served a turkey she killed for thanksgiving,  I admire that and am a little jealous that she is a hunter!  Finally,  for always being genuine and authentic!

Attitude of Gratitude July 1, 2015

I am grateful to be part of the online group, "kicking the booty to the curb". First and foremost because of the gals involved! A great bunch of ladies who are all kick ass in so many different ways! I am glad I can access that support anywhere because it is on Facebook! I remind others and get my own reminders to cut some slack or give ourselves due credit. Having the accountability makes a huge difference. If I am struggling with getting that workout in on a crazy day,  I can post my intentions and know I will follow through just because I dint want to disappoint! Finally it is fun,  it is loving and non judgemental but we all have a sense of humor and our joking makes it more fun!

Switching to an attitude of gratitude

I am still here. I decided to start keeping a gratitude journal. These entries will be one thing I am grateful for and five reasons I am grateful for it. This seems as good a place as any to keep it!

Today I am grateful for T. I can come up with a lot more than five reasons right of the top of my head.  That right there is the number one reason,  because he is so giving!  He is truly a nice guy and a good person.  I appreciate that he always says he is sorry, even when it is not his fault!  I appreciate his honest feedback even when I don't want to hear that.  I also appreciate that her let's me sleep in!  He always has my back and supports my 100%! Just the tip of the iceberg bit a good start

March 4, 2015

Whelp. I decided to wait until next week until after my appt with Dr. Denham. T offered me some paid work with him on the house up near Coconut Creek. Doing some drywall and painting. Woohoo!! 

As it turns out, it was a GOOD thing I didn't start at Costa Monday. I went ahead and started Helen on the after-care at school and then picked up by South Dade park's transportation during the later dismissal of the older grades. Yah, that didn't work out so well. The school forgot to send her to bus area, and she never made it to her after school program. Yah, so I was unhappy about that. I ran over to the school. The staff member who was supposed to send her over forgot and she wasn't on the paperwork either. If she'd had the right paperwork - she would have been reminded that Helen wasn't in the extended after-care program. Now, hopefully, everyone is clear where they are supposed to be in the afternoon, this week seems to be the week to work out the kinks in the plan! I'm also all paid up for after care until the end of the month! Helen will be in "camp" during vacation week, provided they get enough kids to hold it. She can leave camp for her gig with the Homestead Police, and I think T is going to have to take her to that. Well at least she was there today! I was afraid they were going to send her to after-care instead of putting her on the bus to go to her after school program. 

After my last post, I went to the gym. I've gone back to logging my food because of the weight gain and the fact I have the fit bit now. Tracking the outgoing calories does me no good if I'm not tracking the incoming ones too. LOL I've learned a few things from my fit bit. Yes, my original concern that I'm more active than the formulas say I am. Granted, these days, I'm constantly moving. Even when sitting still, I'm not really still. I fidget, wiggle a foot, some part of my body needs to be moving. I am still having good and bad nights. It is REALLY helpful to know how I'm sleeping. Yes, I am burning more per day than I originally thought but not nearly as much as I feared it would be. What is abundantly clear to me is that I cannot skate by not working out. It is having a negative emotional impact as well as not progressing my fitness goals. That 30 minute run on the elliptical was all I needed to clear my head and give me the attitude adjustment I really needed. 

I have no Nutrisystem food and I'm struggling with that. However, I don't feel bad about the struggle. I need to work this out and get the hang of eating completely on my own without any packaged food. That is my goal - to eat healthy without having to eat packaged food. In fact, I've decided to switch to Ala carte and not do the full plan anymore. If I need a little kick start or some help because things are too crazy....I can just go buy a week's worth at Walmart or buy random items from Walmart. I don't feel like I need the packaged foods so badly. I CAN do this and I believe in myself. FINALLY! I really think I can do this. The struggles I have no are just me working out the kinks! 

The workout gave me time to really think about the marital issues we've been having lately. At the end of the day, the root cause of our problems is the time. There's just not enough time in the day. I have to just let that go. Things are not going to be as good as they were before because we just don't have the time to invest in the things we were doing before. It's time to hang onto each other and just grind it out. We both have professional goals we want to reach - and to get there we have to sacrifice time and be on the look out for our moments! Cherish those moments instead of being resentful that there aren't more of them. Ok that's ME that needs to do that. I think some of it is also me having too much free time on my hands. Idle time has always been and always will be my worst enemy. I'm meant to be busy. Fact of the matter is, I'm happiest when I'm swamped! 

Our plan to have the girls do new troop shirts worked out GREAT! The girls had a blast! Got to show off their creative side and they had fun coming up in with Camp Names. I was able to handle troop business with the Moms also. We're all in to make Easter Baskets for the homeless, not so clear about the delivery of said baskets but we're at least all in to make them! We set a date for the end of cookie season pool party and decided our dues. Up until now, we've not been collecting dues! That has to change and we handled that. Everyone is up to date on upcoming events and it went so smooth! So much easier without the disruptive influences. I have all the images ready for the iron-ons and all I have to do now is print and iron on! Woohoo! It really did feel like a new beginning! Now, I just need to come up with next week's activity. I'll check Pinterest for something fun. 

Time to go do that and then get some crochet in! 

March 2, 2015

I'm having a tough time right now. Today sucks but in general, I'm having a rough time. I'm gaining weight, I'm stressed out to the extreme, and I'm emotional like I've never been. 

I'm back up to 181 lbs. I am working on being more strict with my eating. Making sure I eat - making sure when I do eat, I'm eating the right things. 

I was supposed to start working this week. As disappointing as it is that T's brother promised me more help than he delivered - at least I had a lead. I made arrangements for Helen and I showed up at Costa Farms this morning because they're hiring a ton of people - there's signs EVERYWHERE that they're hiring. I get there this morning 45 minutes before human resources opens only to discover I don't have my Social Security card, I have my old one under my old name and I waited until nearly 10 just to be told, come back with the right card. :-/

I was pretty devastated by that. I was already upset because I was sitting there and ppl are being pulled out of the crowd to go work and it was not looking good for me. 

I can't change that stuff. I was willing to stay until I got a job - but I can't get a job without the social security card. I came home, looked for it and by the time I was able to determine it's not here in the house, Mom doesn't have it and it's just gone. :( It's too late for me to drive the hour up the road to get another one and be back in time to pick up the little one (I'd already told her that I'd pick her up); So I go up there after picking up the little one only to discover the office is closed already. I didn't make it in time.

I cried all the way back to Homestead. I get to the school, I'd decided screw it. I'll go back and be there when they open; get my card (and receipt) and go park my ass back at Costa to try and get a job - so might as well pay for the after-care. The lady left for the day already. 

The gym teacher was there sitting in the office and I mention I lost my SS card and she says 

"Everything happens for a reason"

Made me stop and think. Maybe it does. Maybe I should not do this now. I am so confused. :( 

February 26, 2015

Busy Busy couple of days! I got my baptismal certificate all turned in and now I'm officially all set for my confirmation! Woohooo!

Wednesday I got a lead on a job. I'm going down to Costa Farms Monday morning to apply there. I'll have to leave early or call off work for my appt with Dr Denham and definitely call off for my call-in court hearing. I'm not sure how that's going to play out.....but I'll figure it out. 

I spent most of my day cooking. I was originally planning on going with T to work to do some painting on his jobsite. Yesterday, I made Parm crusted Tilapia for dinner. I bought extra fish so I could make lunches to take with me to work. FISH TACOS anyone? So today, I actually put together my fish tacos and put them in the fridge. I also made Chicken Tortilla Soup for dinner, and the leftovers will also be my lunches. 

Because I know I'll be far away from my vehicle working out at Costa, my plan is to get the Atkins bars I like and keep them in a fanny pack on my waist. That in and of itself, is Na NSV because of the first time in, I don't know how long, I can wear one comfortably! How freeing it is to have that at my disposal! I have an option I've never had before! Anyhoo - all I have to do now is figure out after-school. I'm tempted to have Helen stay at Avocado after school until the bus for south-dade comes. I'm not sure I can do that though. I was supposed to ask about that today when I picked her up. I guess I'll do it when I drop her at school tomorrow. I won't get a paycheck for the next two days work - but I got to spend some money already. 

It's some crazy logistics but it will be worth it. I'm going bat-shit-crazy with boredom just sitting home on my ass. I've lost a lot of weight, I've gotten my health issues more or less under control and now I can't stand sitting on my ass anymore. I realize just how negatively this thyroid stuff impacted me. Now I can finally see it.  My mother always said, when I started having thyroid problems there was this HUGE dramatic drop in my energy level.  I never understood what she meant by that. She'd try and explain it that it was like I hit a wall and I didn't get it. Now I finally understand what she meant!! Holy cow! The difference between now and even 20 years ago is just so dramatic! Not nearly as moody, a bazillion times more energetic and I feel less manic and more ADHD - now I have the physical energy to match the mental energy. Unlike most people, if I felt manic - I didn't have the crazy "I'm Wonder Woman" kinda theme to my thoughts. Just thinking a million miles an hour. Oddly enough, my body catching up to my brain makes it feel like my brain has slowed down. It hasn't - my body is just able to keep up and moves on to the next thing. 

I will admit, I have lots of anxieties about going back to work. It's been more than 10 years since I've had a traditional job. I keep telling myself that I'm worrying about nothing. I was able to work a regular job back when I getting out of bed and getting out the door was a feat in and of itself and only happened through sheer force of will.  Oddly enough - me going back to work means less housework. LOL No one here to mess up the house except the dogs. They're easy - just sweep the floors every night,  keeping on top of the dishes in the morning and in the evening and I'm good to go! I'll have to do a lot of advance cooking on the weekends so I'm all set for week days but it is comforting that I have a strategy at my disposal to keep up with my proper eating every day! I know what to do and I CAN do it!  T said I can get a fitbit so I can track my calories burned so I know when and if I need to start increasing my food intake.  

I have been doing a lot of self-talk lately. Reminding myself to stop putting off moving forward over silly details. Reminding myself that I'm a smart gal who can think on her feet well enough that I can handle anything that comes up. I need to stay in the now and have confidence in myself that I can figure out anything that comes up. Stop holding myself back over these silly anxieties! Close my eyes and just GO! 

Girl Scouts is going GREAT! I worked on the image for the girls' T-shirts today. I took one of the Traditional Trefoil cookie wearing a GS sash image off the website and set it in the middle and put the Troop # over the top and the council logo under the cookie - and finally a "Camp Name". We'll have the girls pick out camp names at the next meeting - at the following meeting -the girls will get their shirts, logo and all. I'm so excited about this project. I know, I'm excited about a lot of things. 

On that note, it's late and I need to be up early tomorrow so I can get my carcass in gear on time! No BS excuses in the morning! 

February 23, 2015

Holy Cow!! 

The weekend was just plain NICE! I got my house clean. Sunday I missed Confirmation Class but gosh I really needed the rest. T was feverish and his throat was so swollen, he was having troubles swallowing, again - and I made him take antibiotics for it.  He has them, and keeps forgetting to take them. The rest of Sunday afternoon was nice too. We headed down to the Bank United Center to watch UM women's basketball game and then for Helen to participate in a basketball clinic after. I assumed that the clinic was being put on University Staff and trainers. No! It was put on by the players! Starters even!! Helen, being the adorable child she is Declared her Intent to play basketball at the U. I almost fell over laughing because she told the couch, 

"I'm not going to be on TV but I am going to come here to play basketball."

She was quite serious. Clearly she was paying closer attention to ESPN's coverage of National Signing Day than I was. LMAO I walked away with the coach's business card. lol It was a great time! We definitely need to attend more of those games!

Today did not get off to such a nice start. I had a sort of appointment to have blood drawn. It's not a real appointment because the clinic I go for my primary care, they have everyone who will need blood for the week show up at 8 am and ONE poor girl takes everyone samples. I needed to not take my meds, which left me lethargic in the extreme (my cytomel is really what wakes me up in the morning - not the coffee), no coffee, no anything but water. So after an hour of waiting, I was super...cranky, yah, cranky is the word I'd use. Not really, but the word I'd use is just not nice.  

I called my insurance, they referred me to their independent lab company, and I took my lab order from my Endocrinologist to the lab place and told the clinic forget it, I'm not waiting anymore - Dr J will just have to get over it. There were just as many people ahead of me at the lab as were in ahead of me when I arrived at 8 am at the clinic. I was in the car and driving away 30 minutes later! BAM!!

Kudos to me for not letting my frustration get the best of me and finding a way to get it done instead of sitting there being overtly frustrated and freezing. The rest of my day went so much better! I came home, ate and cleaned house. I re-did the floors and then got dressed to get to work in the nursery. I went to pick up Helen from school and drop her off at after-school and got to work! I was pleased to see T and Sal didn't just shove plants willy-nilly when they moved stuff under the irrigation for our "freeze". I got quite of a bit done and then R texted me saying she got the tie-dye kit in and we went to Michael's to get T-shirts for the girls. We've decided the girls are going to make a new troop t-shirts! They can make new troop T-shirts every year! I gave her the rest of our cookies for the Homestead Police Dept's cookie gift basket. She asked me "Are you really not going to the meeting then?" I was like yah, I don't need that drama and I honestly don't. 

I went to try and get back to work in the nursery but that wasn't going to happen. It started raining. Figures! I was annoyed all afternoon that I couldn't get through to T. While he doesn't take my calls no matter what - he also doesn't stay out of touch all day like that. If I call , and he doesn't catch the call or can't - he calls back. Turns out his phone never charged and I have the car charger (we need to fix that) so his phone just died. 

T came home and brought the mail and he brought me a surprise! My baptismal certificate!! Woohoo!! I was not clear that I was going to get it, I hadn't heard back from the church to find out if they'd even found it - but apparently, they did! Even better, noted on the back is my First Communion! How awesome is that?!?! I'm so tickled! I've been trying to lay hands on this since 2009! Of course, I spent most of that time looking in the wrong place, but I finally found it! As the saying going, it's always in the last place you look! lol Came in just in time for my actual confirmation! Weeee!! 

That means everything is set to go now! Yay! Rough start to today but the perfect ending!!  

February 21, 2015

It's been a busy busy week. I have been feeling worn down and knew I was coming down with something. 

The transition in our troop has not been going smooth. It's been very dramatic and tense. So I'm exiting the situation for the betterment of all. There's no reason to expose the girls to this if it can be easily avoided by me not being present. I may be in the right here but it's not about ME! 

No worries though, went to the leader's meeting,  I was able to get our check for the Thinking Day event back, have mine and Helen's names removed from the roster and we paid for the event in cash. I got one of my girls signed up for Baynanza, I'm totally bummed me and Helen couldn't afford to go to that one......it was the ONE service unit event I really really wanted to do - but it was just too darned expensive. That was $40 a person and for two of us - it was just too much. Oh well, maybe next year! Either way, we got our cookie paperwork submitted, I've hopefully sorted out the issue with Helen's online cookie order patch. Regardless, if it's not fixed now, it will be. All the paperwork is in order and we're good to go and move on! 

Anyway, our next meeting we're going to have the girls make tie-dye t-shirts and put a custom iron on design for them to wear at their Cookie Season 2015 "Pool Party" celebration.  We were trying to get the girls in at the Homestead Police Dept's 5k glow run but that's now out - the girls are going to the station itself to deliver their cookies and donation. This will allow them to make a bigger deal of the girls, their donation and let them do fun things like tour the station and such. However, Girl Scouts does have the chance to have a table to recruit. I think Council should still do that at least! I know the girls who are NOT going would love to do it. 

I did finally come down sick on Friday. The whole day was a mess. I was sick, Tom was sick and neither of us were in a state to take Helen to school. We were able to take her to after school though. But Tom and I got in a HUGE argument. I pretty much have had enough of his non-communication recently. I know all he does is go to work and come home but he pretty much has not been talking to me at all. Not even to say "yah, I'm exhausted". I'm already feeling super insecure and that this complete shut down is going on now that I'm 10 sizes smaller has had a devastating effect on me. We've clearly got some work to do, I fully acknowledge that some of our issues are just me being insecure - but I'm also asking for specific things from him to help me work through that. Some of it is validation and reassurance and some of our issues are just regular marriage stuff. What happens when you're both working on "career" and pursuing your goals, raising a family and all that good stuff. 

I took out all my stress on house cleaning today. It did a lot for stress relief, it's been a long time since I've got batshit with the cleaning to ease stress and anxiety. No, I didn't go too far. I put my house in order, exerted some control over something and created order where I feel there has been chaos lately. I also whipped out a Food Network recipe and now my husband is home and I'm going to go eat it and enjoy his company while we sit and eat as a family. 

February 16, 2015

Bwaaah-haaa-haaaa!!

I forgot today is Presidents Day. I have no idea how I forgot that with my child bouncing in the backseat of the car but I forgot. That means no deposit into the troop bank account. No deposit into my personal bank account. DUH! It's a bank holiday! Ok, banking and shopping holiday! 

That means I have a whole day to focus on my own things. I stopped by Lowe's to pick up an inexpensive but nice looking pot to put our donated plant into. I need to call the lady and make arrangements to drop it off. I've got my laundry going and I'm kind of tickled that my house is not a mess and I can get it clean in short order.

Life is so good! Now, time for a snack! 

Feburary 15, 2015

What a fabulous weekend I had!!

My Valentine's day got off to an interesting start. First thing in the AM, T's brother comes by so he and T can settle up what is owed for the work T had been doing. T's brother gets on him and starts in on that you should be in this and that position - knowing NOTHING about our financial status but yet dictating things to us. Ignoring the fact that him not paying in a timely way has consistently put us in the red over and over.  So in the end, T will no longer be working as a consultant through the nursery. 


WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!


I know, right? I know it's not the usual reaction to getting fired but that dynamic with his brother was out of control. T took on a project which was delayed by 2 months because anytime he was here working on it - his brother took that to mean he was available to work. So rather than inform him otherwise, T would just go to work at Redland. Meantime, he's not getting paid on the agreed upon schedule. So, it's not really JUST his brother's fault - but also T's for allowing this bullshit to continue and allowing it to get worse. His brother is an arrogant demanding person who always pushes for MORE. It's not even that his brother is trying to screw him over either - that arrogance means that he also won't accept help or reminders and gets ugly if you even try to be helpful. He knows this. It's been a problem for decades. Not that this will last. Something will come up, it always does. It's not the first time he's been fired in this way. This time though, there has to be a different approach to when he goes back to work at Redland.  It can't go back to the previous arrangement. He has to be either an employee or not. I've advised him to take that route - he can even spin it so it's not his brother's fault it has to be that way - whatever it takes to keep the peace and for life to go on. Less drama, more life.

After all that excitement, I loaded up and we did another cookie booth. That went okay. Then I did some shopping. I found a nice ring but I didn't want to wait in line for an hour to buy it. I defaulted to shoes. Woohooo! They make me taller than 6'4 and I'm only 5'8 in my bare feets. I bought something nice to go with the shoes and we picked up a candy and balloon bouquet for T Then we came home and worked on some Valentine crafts. We made our candy - we had a blast!! 

I sent Helen to Grandma's and got all purtied up and T and I enjoyed a nice romantic candle lite dinner at home. I have to say, I see lots of date nights at home in my immediate future! No annoying ppl at the next table with out of control kids, no annoying person talking loudly on their cell phones....no annoying anything! We watched a movie, who knew Divergent had so many romance scenes in it? Not I. lol 

Today I got up on time for church and confirmation class. I enjoyed mass and class. I'm a month or so away from finally being confirmed! Woohooo! I came home and ate and got ready for cookie booths!! It's the LAST DAY for cookie booths! The first booth slot was slow and we had more than 3 cases left, so I called T to play relief for me, I came home, changed clothes and booked the slot after the one we were working (2-4) and went back. That went GREAT!! I had T look at the system 15 minutes for the second booth slot was done and ohhh look! the 4-6 slot is open. So we booked that too. Figures that 15 minutes into our 3rd slot, after working for 4 hours, someone came along and cleaned out the whole booth! One person buys a bunch and then ppl start crowding around and then we were just about cleaned out. We had exactly 6 unsold boxes when I decided to pack it up an hour and a half early.  Yah, I bought the last six boxes to give away to friends.

Paperwork is just about done. all that is left to do is print it all out and input some final details - like which rewards some of the girls want. I think one of them wants cookie bucks instead of the prizes. I have no idea how many cookie bucks she would have earned and I just now figured out how to calculate how much each girl has earned. LOL I do have to print out each girls' sales figures - if for no other reason I have a list of how much each girl sold and have a reward list so I can pick their rewards! 

There's no school for the next two days and I have no idea what I'm going to do with Helen. I'm thinking a trip to the park is in order. I don't want to just sit here at home all day. Maybe Grandma can watch her while I hit the gym and workout a new routine with Mr B. We'll see. 

Lots of good things going on and I can't wait to wade right into them!! 

February 13, 2015

I skipped my workout today but oh what a wonderful day I had. I cleaned my house. It's not completely decluttered but it's at least neat and tidy! The floors are clean, the bathroom is clean and my laundry is all put away and hubby's clothes are up on his clothes rod in the closet I can't reach! 

It just felt good to put my house in order and be able to finish it! In one afternoon! I tried to work on a crochet stitch but it's going to take multiple attempts to learn this new stitch. I am using a YouTube tutorial but it's difficult to learn in reverse. I'm left handed and I crochet left handed, so I have to everything backwards. I know if I stick with this I can figure it out!! It's the basket weave stitch I've been trying to learn for ages now! At least I've found a few videos to help me figure it out. 

Busy busy weekend planned. It's the last weekend of cookie booths and tomorrow we'll do our cookie booth, come home and then jump right into making Valentines and our little projects for the surprise for T. T and I have a romantic evening in planned. 

I still have confirmation class on Sunday morning and then we have our last and final cookie booth at noon. Then I have to run to a store to get a birthday present and then Helen is going to a birthday party. She hasn't been invited to a birthday party since pre-school so she's very excited to have been invited and that I'm letting her go. 

That gel I got from the doctor's office rocks!! I went for a run yesterday and afterwards put some on, slapped on the tens unit and wrapped up my knee in ice - ohhhhh it felt sooo good afterwards! It really has made a difference in keeping the inflammation under control. Works better than even Motrin does! 

I'm hoping to not be so sleep deprived come Monday morning that I can put my head together with Mr B and re-design my workout. I want to shake up my workout in a major way. I really am bored with it and he's already suggested that it might be time to do that. 

Here's to an amazing, fun filled holiday weekend! Woohooo!! 

February 12, 2015

The hunt continues! I heard back from the military archdioceses finally. They have NO record of my baptism. What does that mean? That means my parents went to a church off base for our baptism - because they don't have a record of my brother's either and we were done together. Recording First communion is optional and apparently the parish priest at that time opted to not record any of the first communions. Which stinks! Time to call around to try and track it down! It's only two or three churches in the area so it shouldn't be too tough. Fingers crossed that I can get it done. 

R went by the Homestead Police dept yesterday to arrange for them to come out to our meeting to accept their gift basket and check for their charity (Victims of Violence) and the community officer who was one of the ones who attended our big Safety and First Aid event, suggested that they would love to make time during the presentation portion of their 5k race for the girls to come up on stage and present their gift basket and check. The Mayor will be there, and of course, the town newspaper. It would be GREAT PR for our service unit and Girl Scouts in general. We'd set up a recruitment booth but the issue seems to be that most of our troop is doing Thinking Day out in Coral Gables. There's some obvious conflicts but we'll try and work that out. In the meantime, at our meeting the girls had to wait for Metro-Dade Police who didn't arrive until almost 6:30. That went well, by the way. The girls had fun working on their project while they waited and great that we had multiple activities for them to work on while they waited. I'll collect the rest of my parents $ this Saturday at our booth and we should completely sell out by Sunday. All in all, they did pretty good for themselves! 

I'm hitting the gym today...it's ab and legs day and I decided for Lent, instead of giving up something I'm pledging to DO something positive. Be disciplined with my eating and workout schedule. I do a lot for my community just in my work through Girl Scouts and I joined the Women's club so I'm giving back even more and right now, I need to finish this weight loss thing. I'm down to the end and strict discipline is what will get this done! I've been fortunate enough have had that second chance to get myself in order and now it's time to finish that and move on. 

I'm looking forward to Saturday. I bought some stuff from Michael's and Helen and I will be making Valentines for everyone and then she'd going to be cooking our special dinner and going to Grandma's for the night. I'll be surprising T with a cute little nighty and sexy shoes when he gets home and we're just having a romantic night in. There's plenty of movies for us to watch on the DVR and there's no need to go out anywhere. The truth is we just need the alone time, the where doesn't matter. 

Life is good. Life is joyous. 

February 10, 2015

Woohooo!! I'm cleared to go back to work!! The doc said I'm good to go, my only restriction is constant deep knee bending and a weight limit on lifting. She gave me a script for a gel to help with the inflammation and I've already filled the script and rubbed in the gel - Holy cow! The stuff works so fast!! Now I'm really good to go!!

Busy day today, like every Tuesday! Going to Girl Scouts early so me and the other leader can get the bows ready for the basket. The police will be stopping by our meeting to accept their gift basket. Woohooo!! My parents should all pay off their "cookie bills" and tomorrow I will be making our final deposit to council and the rest of the money we make off cookies will all go into the troop account! Yay!! 

All in all, I've learned a few things to make cookies easier going forward. Some people like to input girls' sales into the system at the end, I find it easier to do it as I go! I think next year, that's how I'll do it! I'm still not sure how me going back to work will affect the Girl Scout thing and I'll be talking to R about that tonight. Now that it's official, I'm going back to work. I also need to call MA DOR - find out what I need to send them and exactly to whom am I sending it. I also need to know what the process will be if and when I get laid off for the summer. 

I guess I'm still in a place of transition but I'm further in my transition than I was! More progress towards my goals! 

February 9, 2015

Who knew a lazy Sunday could turn into a not very lazy day at all?? Quite busy and industrious actually! 

I was late for mass yesterday morning. I got in just in time to grab a missal and read the day's readings before I had to leave for Confirmation class. The idea being we tie the day's readings to the lesson. It was so cold that I actually put on my pajama pants because I was FREEZING. We're now meeting in the new loft space. Oh what a difference it makes when you're sitting for an hour and a half in adult sized chairs! lol We had been meeting in the Kindergarten classroom of the school. This is so much better! Father Jim joined us and it was NICE! He gives a different perspective about some things since he often is the one administering the sacraments. Not that he revealed anything anyone specifically said - but talking in general terms, it was quite enlightening.  

My father cannot actually be my sponsor, but my godmother can be. I asked Katie to stand in for her as proxy. I'm positive Aunty is NOT willing to come down for that. I mean, I'll ask her to be my sponsor, and no, she doesn't have to be here in person. lol she'll do it - as long as  she doesn't have to be here in person. Now, I just have to chase down my baptismal certificate. I'll be working on that this week in between working on cookie paperwork. 

Yes, cookies are almost done. I went ahead and signed us up for prime booth slots next weekend so we can dump the rest of our cookies and pulled all the Gift of Caring cookies so the girls can put together their baskets. R and I are meeting early for Tuesday's meeting so we can do the bows and whatnot. We have no idea what time the police will be there - but we need to be ready just in case they show up on time! I've just about finished my cookie paperwork - I will be collecting the rest of the funds all the moms' owe and will be contacting each parent tonight to let them know what their final balance is. Mine got all screwed up - I knew something wasn't right - I knew I owed more than it said. Now I know what is what - I've got the $$ set aside so I can pay up the correct amount and be straight with that. Once I collect the rest of the money from the moms' anything else the girls make - they get to keep. We will have paid off our entire bill from council for all the cookies we've taken. 
I got in touch with the water park down in Key Largo and got the low- down on that. Now all we have to do is pick a day to go! Woohooo!! 

Now I just have to track down my baptismal certificate and first communion certificate. I also just realized that Lent is right around the corner. I need to think about what I'm doing for this year. It's the first year in a long long time I've done something for Lent. I think it's not just going to be quitting something. I've quit lots of things, I think this year I'm just going to add good healthy habits! I know, I've also added lots of those but there are some others I can add that I should do but haven't been as good about them as I should have been. The fasting thing is still out though - but I could do something else instead. Maybe go vegan instead of fasting. The whole idea is that you're doing something extraordinary with your diet. Goodness knows, going straight vegan, no animal product vegan is challenging! To me, it's much more challenging than fasting. Fasting is too easy for me and not safe. 

I think I'm going to skip the gym and just go for a run. Probably go run at South Dade park again. It's way more convenient to run there. 

February 7, 2014

It's that time of the week again! The weekend!

The rest of my week turned out to be ridiculously exciting! Thursday I took Helen to Walmart to buy some underwear, because all my underwear are falling apart and falling down! On a whim I decided to go ahead and try on a pair of size 14 pants. Yup, they FIT and I'm halfway into a pair of size 12s. Holy cow!! I'm officially out of the plus sizes now. I had no troubles finding clothes in my size in the regular size dept. Another 10 lbs and I'm for sure in size 12 and I'm realizing that perhaps size 10 might not be as impossible as I once thought. 

Which makes me pause and say....omg could I actually one day fit into single digit clothes? It might be. I might need a tummy tuck to make that happen -but it's a possibility I should NOT rule out! I bought a workout outfit to as planned and yesterday hit the gym wearing it and actually worked out. After the realization that I need to stop being so timid - I went ahead and started Week 2 of couch25k. I figured, even if I can't do the whole minute and a half, I can at least work my way up to it. 

Didn't quite work out the way I thought it would, I was able to do the minute and half intervals. It's tough at first because the knee was NOT warmed up! A few running intervals and it was good to go! So this has been a monumental week for me. 

As a result, I'm letting loose on the house. I'm putting it in my order. Not just order, MY order. Let some of my stress loose. It has been this underlying stress these last months. It was different when I couldn't but now I can and it has to be done and it stresses me out that I haven't done it. So I'm off now to do that!! Just the process will help me let go of all the things past. 

February 4, 2015

What a difference a day and change in circumstances beyond my control make! 

I got up at an unholy hour and got the kids up and off to school and made it back home in time for me to get my own kid off to school on time! The meeting went well. It was just an initial meeting, officially, her teacher "nominated" her to get the early testing for the gifted program. They have 70 days from today to test her, I'm sure it's going to happen closer to that 70th day than any time soon. Once they get those results and decide she is, in fact, gifted, then she changes classes to a gifted class. We aren't obligated to do that right away, we can wait until next year or whenever we want. We can pull hr in and out of the gifted program as often as we choose. They made us sign paperwork declaring that we were not denied the right to bring anyone we chose to the meeting. I knew that was from them being sued over that. 

My friend's baby girl was released from the hospital this afternoon to finish her recovery at home. After the meeting, I ran by the house to drop off a replacement box of cookies and leave the house key for my friend to get back in her house. Then it was off to meet R to try and talk about get on the same page with where we wanna go with the troop. We are going to involve our Moms more heavily than they are. We have one in mind to be treasurer and serve as that fiscal accountability role. We decided we're going to bring all receipts for all troop money for her to initial and keep with the rest of our accounting. We want another parent to take charge of outside events. Be the one to organize getting permission slips, collect the money from the other moms and just coordinate that for the troop. Thankfully, council and the service unit put out their event calendars at the beginning of the program year and we'll have our own events to add to that and it's a lot when we're also running the actual meeting. R brought her oldest along and she's re-joining us as an adult volunteer. She rocked that badge work stuff when she was an Ambassador, and we're going to take full advantage of that fact and put her on the case. She really needs to be a leader but hey, we'll start with Adult volunteer and when we grow this troop so it needs a third leader, then we can make M upgrade her. LOL She's really good at this stuff even on a larger level - like service unit level and I know more than a few of our events will end up being service unit events. Works for me. It's good for the Service Unit and it's good for us. I'm so excited! Her daughter is mouthy and that might put some people off, but I like her. We did some shopping as the girls are presenting their cookies to the county police dept next week. We decided to make our Gift of Caring service project the Police Dept because first, the town police dept put on this amazing show and second, all the news about so many police depts having trouble with "bad" cops - we wanted to show our appreciation for our own depts that GET IT RIGHT! Let them know we noticed and are front and center to say "Thanks!" 

I'm up late doing catching up on cookie paperwork and tomorrow I'll be catching up on more household stuff. I want so bad to go back to work but I need to put this house in back the way it belongs! I won't be able to manage Girl Scouts AND working if I'm not back to my regular household schedule and tidy organization. My house isn't trashed - just disorganized and in such a small space, it's difficult. I will finish all the cookie paperwork that I can do at this point. I've done a decent job of staying on top of everything as I went along, so it's not that tough. I've been keeping spread sheets for each girl so the girls can do a "Self assessment" exercise. It's a little extra work but it will be worth it. 

For now, I am focused on getting back on track with the eating, I did some grocery shopping today so that will go a long way towards making that happen! I will get back into the swing of the working out thing soon. I don't know when, but soon. I need to get that control back before I add anything else. Following that "change one thing" principle. I changed the GS situation, I'm changing the household clutter situation and there's time enough for the rest of it. 

February 3, 2015

The burden has been lifted and in a week, I have my Ortho appointment and I'll finally know if I'm medically cleared to go back to work or not. I have concerns that to get a decent job I won't get the kind of hours I want (early in the day) but worrying about it now won't do me any good now - in fact, it's going to make things worse for me.

I've been struggling the last few days eating on time. My sleep schedule is still off and that exacerbates my food issues which is further fed by the stress levels from this drama that I don't want to get into in such a public forum. I don't cope well with drama, and we'll leave it at that.

What else do I need to do to get myself on track again? Not much, let me tell ya.   

February 2, 2015

What a day! My team won the Superbowl last night in a thrilling game and so I definitely woke up this morning in a great mood! 

I thought I had an appointment at my daughter's school today but it turns out it was Wednesday. Not that I'm being down on myself for getting the date wrong, but it's a sign for me. That I need to pay more attention to the details. This is a consistent pattern in my life, when I get going, I lose track of details and that lack of attention to details can spiral out of control. This is my clue to not take on too much more than I am now. Just a sign that I need to refocus myself. 

I'm defaulting back to my key strategies when I feel chaotic. Cleaning house and working on my time management. I'm doing laundry today and my goal for the day is to scrub down my bathroom. One of the worst things about being injured and recovering from having my thyroid removed was not being able to keep my house in a certain way. It's time to get back to that. I want to go back to work full-time, so that means I need to keep my house clean the way I like it done. I am literally and figuratively putting my house in order. I find a lot of comfort in it. 

I seem to say that a lot though, I'm getting myself organized. I sometimes wonder if that an excuse for avoiding something I'm in denial about - or just trying to keep myself moving forward at full bore. Time will tell which one it is. 

January 31, 2015

You ever have one of those days - you're super busy but you're pleased as punch with everything you're doing? Yah, that's my day today. Got up, on time even, got ready to head out to do cookie booths. Couldn't get the Superbowl balloons for our booth and the guy was late getting our recipe cards done. Oh it was worth the wait though because they were AMAZING! We have another cookie booth tomorrow and I have to go pick up the balloons tonight so I have EVERYTHING ready for tomorrow's booth! I'll be running on a tight schedule as I'm going to do part of my confirmation classes and then leave early to do the booths. Better some of it than not at all!! We usually finish at 10:30 - I'll have to leave by 9:45 to head over. T can bring all the cookies and balloons and stuff and I'll just take the Kia and meet him there. I've already got the car loaded with everything BUT the balloons so it should be fine. 

I met T for lunch and we did his estimate for his next reno job. I'm still frustrated because he's up to his eyeballs in word at Redland still and I want him too stop taking on work there because he's not getting paid in a timely way for that work. He at least got a partial payment today. Now if he can just get paid the rest of that invoice, I can relax. Can't wait to not be reliant on him for this stuff. 

It's just been a busy and fabulous day. I can't help but realize just how happy I am when I'm living this full and busy life! It takes me back to that low point in my life when my therapist once told me that unless I'm busy, I'm always going to be miserable. She's right, I am happiest when I've got my hands full!! 

Started the year off with a bang and ending the first month with a bang! 

GO PATRIOTS!

January 30, 2015

Holy Cow! Things are moving faster than I expected soon the drama will be over, the troop meeting is being cancelled and T and one of the Moms will be doing cookie business over by the playground. A different meeting will be taking place to resolve all the issues.

I'm both excited and nervous about this meeting. Excited because I want the drama to end and nervous because that stupid part of me is fearful that I have somehow screwed up. Mostly excited. I just hope it doesn't get too melodramatic  - I just can't go on dealing with it. 

I just want this crap to be over. Get on with troop business. I've got my hands full with cookies and trying to find a job. I hope to be over this congestion soon and be back to the gym next week.

My house has been a wreck lately - and I've been putting some time into putting it back in proper OCD order. It's slow because I've been thoroughly cleaning as I go de-cluttering everything. This weekend the Holiday Decorations are being put away! Once and for all - it's gotta go. I'm sick of looking at it all. We're almost done with cookies and in a few weeks the cookies will be gone too. I can reclaim my living room. Of course, this sudden need to clean and be crazy orderly with my house is a straight reaction to dealing with the drama. The chaos is driving me insane and I feel the need to surround myself with the comfort of order. Broken somehow, but oh well, I'm in the mood to indulge my brokenness so I feel better. Granted, I'm not letting it take over my life, so as long as it doesn't become all consuming, I'll willing to indulge myself because I am keeping it on this side of sane. 

I'm hoping next week to get back to the gym. I'm unhappy with my workout schedule, so I think I'll be signing up for time to sit with B and figure out a new routine. I'm not sure I want to keep working out at the gym. I keep finding myself looking at at-home stuff. Or things I can use at the park. I can't tell if I'm just bored with the workout at the gym or what. we'll see what that consultation says. I think I'm going to see the new girl about this though. B is just too used to me. lol I'm not sure. Maybe I"ll see them both and do both who knows? 

As anxious as I feel right now, I also feel hopeful. I can see things starting to come together in that vision I have for my life. I know I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and I'll get where I'm going. I'm feeling that drive to get it done. NOW

January 25, 2015

It looks like being out in the cold and wet yesterday had a negative affect on me. I woke up with no voice and aching all over. I stayed in bed all day. 

Starting last night the NFL Network was doing 30 minute recaps of every Superbowl ever played. They got the Patriots first Superbowl win. I cried...then and now. I cried again at the end of the Imperfect Season loss. I feel no shame for that. I love my favorite team and I'm ride or die with it. Watching the Pro Bowl now, I love it! This is truly the best Pro Bowl ever played. Love the format, that fans voted who could be in it and that they did away with the AFC vs NFC format. Of course, we're rooting for Michael Irving's team. All about the U, baby!! Closest I'll ever get to rooting for Dallas LMAO

Good thing for me, I already have an appointment with my PCP tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure he's going to be pleased with me overall. Still smoke free, weighing less than 180 lbs. I officially weigh less than I did when I graduated high school now. 

A sick day but a good day none the less. 

January 22, 2015

I was less than energetic today and I thought it was a mental thing. I went to the gym and I had signed up for the new trainer's ab class (it is tough for me and I love it) and I had this mental image to push through what I thought was a mental block. 

Turned out to be it was not mental, but physical. I am sick as a dog. First I got hit with dizziness and then my stomach said "Go ahead bitch, do another sit up, I dare you."

I decided to not push it and end the workout and go home. I had a tough five minute drive home, I felt like I'd slammed into a brick wall. I sent out some emails and made some phones calls, took some cold meds and put myself to bed. I ate what I should have today, and so what if it wasn't exactly on time. It was good enough under the circumstances.

I missed a phone call from Na-na and I'm bummed about that but proud of myself for not pushing through and instead stopping to take care of myself when I needed to. 

I'm also wondering if I'm ever going to be able to watch "The Biggest Loser" without sobbing. Not likely. Yah, I'm going to watch the finale next week and I'll sob my way through that. We'll see if I can stand to see next season. 

One last thing, my motivation to work out today was driving towards something instead of running away. I can do it. Today wasn't the day to do that - but I know I can do that. I do have a mental image of something and it's enough to drive me. I was worried it wouldn't be enough but it is. I'm sick and I'm relieved. 

January 15, 2015

Today is actually a special day for me today. Eight years ago today, I met my husband for the first time. We knew each other from online chat rooms and when my friend and I decided to take a road trip in Florida to relax and unplug after a long hard run on a work project - he offered to  show us around and let us camp at his place.

I got lost on our way to meet him. Like lost in Big Cypress Swamp, driving up and down US RT 41 and trying to get cell service in the swamps. He did find me eventually! We had even better in person chemistry than we did online. Ever meet someone and you just clicked with them?? Not just physically - but it was like they instantly "get you". Yah, it was like that.  Wasn't just a physical connection but a mental connection too.

I just realized this when I went to write this post. It was exactly what I needed to remember today. I'm having a bad bad day full of stress. After my surgery, I said, "When you hang onto your blessings, no hell can touch you". Yah, realizing today is our 8th anniversary of just meeting - it made my stress level drop.

The drama within our troop has reached a breaking point.. Me losing my insurance and being stuck paying for insurance that costs more per year than our annual income is a problem I can find a solution to. I don't have to take that one on by myself. I have a true partner and we, as a family have a support network we can rely on. I need to focus on working in the nursery today and Tommy and I will find time in the next few days to try and hammer out a solution. Or at least what we're going to do in the short term until we come up with a long term solution. 

Stay in the now and embrace those blessings!! 

January 13, 2015

Today is my Lucky Day! It's my father's birthday! Yay! I still have my Pops around to celebrate it!! I'm super lucky for that!! My father is a Cancer survivor so I'm extra grateful for that!!

Today is going to be a quick drive-by type post. I'm still stewing on my "Master Plan" but some things are starting to come together in my head.

Tonight I have a Girl Scout meeting and we're handing out cookies. The situation with my co-leader continues to worsen as any and all attempts to talk with her about the situation is met with silence. Someone from council will be meeting with me and my co-leader R and we're going to talk to her about the overall problem and what council intends to do about it and what resolution we're looking to get. Also we've decided what will happen if we don't get that resolution. We'll see what happens, I informed the missing co-leader that we were meeting at 4 and asked her to come - she was told that the meeting is NOT about attacking her. It's not, I'm over it and just want to get down to the business of scouting and freaking cookies!! 

On that note, it's time to start loading cases of cookies in my car so I can make this meeting on time! Woohoo!! We're officially underway as of today!

January 11, 2015

Another day moving towards I don't know what. I'm still feeling lost. The fact that I don't have any career going or contributing to the household finances is starting to bother me. While I am in fact, under a court order to get a job as soon as I'm medically cleared to do so and there's a process for me to follow to get out of that if my ortho doesn't medically clear me; the pressure I feel is completely internal. It's my own innate needs that drive me. Getting a job is easy - I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself as far as an actual career kind of thing goes. Thinking of my overall financial future, 65 is only 20 years away. Seems like a lot, doesn't it? It used to be 40 years away! I need to make some hard choices and I don't intend to make those choices alone. I'll be sitting down with my husband and we're going to be starting a discussion about this. 

I have cookie and Girl Scout drsma. I will admit, I'm a bit resentful about the whole thing. I could let it go and am willing to let it go - but ONLY if it's dealt with. We will ultimately have to have a meeting between all five of us. 

Yah, now that I've got that out of my system, I need to get to bed. I feel better about that coming to some kind of resolution. Whether that resolution is what I want it to be or not, we will just have to see. 

January 10, 2015

That wasn't so bad. I had cookie pick-up first thing this morning. This is my first year being "cookie mom" and being in charge of cookies. I keep hearing all these horror stories about how awful it is, not just from people all over but people around here. Not a hitch. My husband was my driver, and we pulled in, checked in and pulled up, loaded up and checked out. Our time slot was 8:07 and we were done by 8:00 am and driving away with our truck load of cookies. 

Yah, T had to run off to work as soon as he parked the truck and the little one slept over at Grandma's last night so we could go hang out with friends and do cookies first thing this morning.  I unloaded all those cookies by myself and got them upstairs in the house. Surprise workout!  I'm definitely ready to get back to work - maybe need some kind of prescription anti-inflammatory stronger than ibuprofen - but I'm ready. My knee held up just fine - and after a hard week of working it at the gym.

I've pretty much spent most of my day today doing cookies and Girl Scout stuff. I have to have a day to focus on the GS stuff and that's going to be a key to moving forward with my plans to be a Leader AND a working mom. 

Speaking of plans....Yesterday I took advantage of a coaching call with Christie. It was a great call but one of the things we talked about is Daily Affirmations. She gave me an excellent example and the theme of our discussion was now that I'm done running from the painful health issues and am trying to run toward the positives in life....What exactly am I running towards? I think the lack of direction in my life right now is why I'm not nearly as driven as I was in the beginning of my weight loss journey. The health issues didn't entirely disappear but they are looming just enough to keep me from backsliding - but not close enough to propel me forward. 

Yes, I want to keep doing Girl Scouts, especially after today and last night. I volunteered to help out at the Cookie PJ Party and what little there was for me to do - I genuinely enjoyed it! Sure I'd like to complete the Boston Marathon some day. Be at my goal weight. Stay at my goal weight. I need to have some actual career and make money for myself and my family...doing what? I don't know. Do I go all in with this nursery gig or take a more traditional stab at the nail thing again?  A bunch of goals but they seem to disparate from each other. There is a lack of overall direction - a master plan. That is what I need to sit and think on this week. What's my master plan here?? j

Unlike when I was 18, and I feared getting locked into any situation and desperately wanted to keep my options open, I'm not afraid of that anymore. I'm somewhat late to the commitment party - but I'm here now! I told my husband we need to set aside some time to have a deep discussion about my master plan and what it should look like. Not just for me, but for us BOTH, as a couple and individuals. That discussion needs to not happen on our way to a party. We'll set aside a date night and bring a pen and paper. 

Now that is out of the way, it's time for some FOOTBALL!! GO PATRIOTS!!